"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
My mother and grandmother told me that all the time. Somehow, every time I think that phrase, I see and hear Flower, the little skunk on Bambi saying that with a little lisp.
In preparing for my daughter's wedding, I've had many opportunities to speak and to withhold speaking. While visiting with another mother, I said that I had learned to only offer advice to my adult children when it was requested.
She said: "I offer advice whether they want it or not."
Years ago, I was told that unsolicited advice is criticism.
Our adult children have to make mistakes. It's part of growing, of maturing, of learning. But, they may still ask for your advice. They may -- or may not -- take it. It behooves us, mothers of young adults, to be gracious no matter how they respond and to hold our tongues and refrain from saying "I told you so" when our advice may have prevented pain.
I am not a perfect mother.
I am not perfect in any of my roles, but the mistakes made in parenting probably have far longer lasting consequences than those in other roles.
I am a mother of many -- nine wonderful blessings, to be exact -- and now, grandmother to eight precious blessings.
I have made far more mistakes than I can count, and my children will probably name mistakes of which I'm not aware. But, this one thing I know, I love my children and grandchildren and will do everything possible to help them become the people they were created by God to be.
The apostle Paul wrote: "Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." (Phillipians 3:12-18 KJV)
I continue to seek insight and conviction, to apologize, to change, to learn, to grow.
Recently I was asked about letting a baby "cry it out." I am very determined that our children learn to delay gratification and to use self-control, but that is all at an appropriate time. Very young children need comfort, security, love which they learn from parents who respond appropriately to their needs, their cries. New babies do not know the difference in a need and a want. Parents who are self-centered and focused on their own comfort will be angry and upset when their plans, their sleep, their meals are interrupted by a baby crying.
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger." Proverbs 15:1
How many parents have responded harshly to their children? When a child fails, yet again, maybe he trips and falls, maybe he breaks something or spills a drink on your clean floor, do you yell at him for his clumsiness or comfort him and teach him to clean it up? We mothers are human. We are often tired, anxious, irritable. But, as adults, it is our responsibility to set aside our own feelings and rise above the emotions to act responsibly for our child's welfare.
As Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend wrote in "The Mom Factor":
"Mothers are crucial to this process. When babies or young children are upset, their only comfort is the secure safety of a loving mother. When they are hurting, and a loving mother offers comfort, their misery is transformed to safety and gratitude. When that happens literally thousands of times, they come to expect an end to their pain, and they develop the virtue we call hope -- the expectation that good will come eventually, no matter how bad things are right now."
As I've been more aware of my mistakes the older I grow and as my children have made mistakes of their own (some because of my mistakes, some of their own free will), I've shied away from giving parenting advice. I fear making another mistake. But, in so doing, I've failed younger mothers.
Scripture tells us plainly that the older women teach the younger "to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands that the word of God be not blasphemed." (Titus 2:3-5).
My giving advice, does not mean I'm perfect. Far from it! But, I continue to learn from my mistakes and hope to help those younger than me to avoid the mistakes I've made.
So, when your children cry, comfort them. As they mature, teach them when it is appropriate to cry and how to ask for things instead of crying out in rage or anger. As a loving parent, do not react to their childishness, but act in love and gentleness, even when discipline or punishment are required. Be patient and kind and persistent. (Yes, I've failed in all these, but I keep trying and I keep apologizing.)
The best example for parenting is our heavenly Father. He is perfect. But, his children are not. He is willing to help us and show us the way.
G.K. Chesterton wrote:
"Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, 'Do it again'; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we."
May we emulate Him, who loves us in spite of ourselves.
•••
Editor's note: Annette Beard is the managing editor of The Times of Northeast Benton County, chosen the best small weekly newspaper in Arkansas for five of the past six years. A native of Louisiana, she moved to Northwest Arkansas in 1980 to work for the Benton County Daily Record. She can be reached at [email protected].
Editorial on 08/05/2015