When I was growing up, I was exposed to some attitudes around Pea Ridge that I have always considered worth keeping in mind. One of them was the idea that, if you can't say something nice about somebody, then just don't say anything. I heard this not only from my family, but from a number of people who we would see often around the community. It was an attitude that focused on being considerate of other people's feelings, hoping not to cause hurt by things we said, but it was also an expression of a principle that we don't really build ourselves up by tearing down someone else.
I remember that rather early in my life my parents began to have me go to funerals with them. Funerals don't always have what you would call a eulogy, but many do have at least some references to the character and personal ways of the person who has died. One of the affirmative remembrances of persons who had passed on was the statement that, "I never heard him say a bad word about anyone." That was given as a high compliment, as a recognition of a virtuous and thoughtful person, as an example of the way people should be, such that if everyone would only live this way what a better place the world would be.
I recognize that there are times when it is appropriate to express criticisms of another person. I notice that when Jesus Christ was talking about the issue of being critical of other people, he warned about the hypocrisy of criticizing others without recognizing flaws in oneself. In Matthew 7:4, He says, "How will you say to your brother, let me pull the mote (like a speck) out of your eye, when there is a beam (like a log) in your own eye?" He didn't rule out times when one needed to speak truth about such things as hypocritical behavior, and he himself pointed out hypocrisy on several occasions, but he definitely warned about our tendencies to justify ourselves by criticizing other people.
Several years ago, I recall a discussion by our Arkansas Senator William Fulbright on the custom of using "diplomatese" in the debates and discussions on the Senate floor. The idea was that in political negotiations it was more helpful to stick to kindly and respectful language, even when earnestly disagreeing with one's colleagues during debates on policies or other legislation. The assumption was that you will get farther toward your objectives when you try to work "with" people and try to understand their reasonable motivations, rather than by trying to show your opponents how worthless and bad they are.
Sometimes today it seems that that old attitude, being reluctant to criticize others, is going out of fashion. Even our top official, the president of the United States, has said, folks, we need to quit being so nice. He must not have grown up in Pea Ridge, Ark. Almost every day he comes up with derogatory nicknames and insulting put-downs toward people who don't look at things his way. You deal with problems that arise by pointing blame at someone, maybe your predecessor or one of your critics, or the TV and newspaper reporters.
Another attitude that was widely encouraged during my growing up years was the lesson to say "Thank You." I remember that my mother had a friend who would sometimes give me chewing gum when she visited. When that happened, Mom would say, "Now Jerry, what do you say?"
Of course the answer was, "Thank You."
Being taught to say "Thank you" can of course just turn into a thing to say to please the adults around you. But the result can also be that one takes on a sense of appreciation for the things that people do to be helpful to you. It leads to an acknowledgement that good things that come to us are often the result of thoughtful people who make contributions to our lives every day.
One of the common expressions I used to hear from my parent's generation was "I'm much obliged to you." That was often my Dad's way of saying "Thank You" to someone who did a helpful thing for us. The idea was that we owe one another some appreciation for their part is helping us out as we go about our business from day to day, and we intend to try to return the favor in various ways as we live and work together in the community.
Still another attitude that I picked up on as I grew up was the idea that work is a good thing, not to be dreaded and avoided, but to be enjoyed through seeing the contribution it made to the well-being of ourselves, our family and our community. My dad, Russell Nichols, was a pretty good one to show that the work of the farm was a way of enjoying accomplishment, of being about to contribute a valuable effort to making the living for the family, and even to enjoy learning various skills along the way. I don't recall being "made" to work when I was young, but I was "expected" to do my part, to learn to contribute to the needed work of the day. So, sometimes we went to the hay field for that last load of hay, rather than listening to Sky King on the radio.
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Editor's note: This column was originally published Feb. 20, 2008. Jerry Nichols, a native of Pea Ridge, is an award-winning columnist, a retired Methodist minister with a passion for history. He is vice president of the Pea Ridge Historical Society. He can be contacted by e-mail at joe369@ centurytel.net , or call 621-1621.