Out of My Mind: Hard life lessons blossom best

If I had it to do all over again - would I?

Someone asked me what would I do differently - would I change things - if I could go back and live my life over again.

As a young adult, I did often say that it would be nice to go back with the knowledge I had then, and relive the earlier years. But, would I go back? Would I like to relive my life hoping I would make wiser choices?

That was first asked to me six years ago in the midst of a very painful time in my life and, although I would love to escape the pain, I realized that I’ve learned far more through the pain than I have through the joys of life.

I heard a preacher once share a story about a couple he was counseling. He said the man, upset about the pain his daughter had suffered in a divorce, said if he were God, he would not have allowed his daughter to go through that pain.

The preacher reminded the man that without the marriage, the children, now his wonderful grandchildren, would not have been born.

I hope I’ve grown wiser over the past four decades of life. My elder children think I’ve grown more lax. Maybe I have. But I’m not absolutely certain that is bad.

I’ve certainly questioned myself and analyzed choices. I believe that two of the hardest yet most important lessons I’ve learned in parenting are that I would let my children make (and learn from) more mistakes and that I would be more compassionate and less demanding.

Years ago I read a book about parenting that basically said to allow our children to fail while they’re young so we can help them learn from that. But that’s messy. And, it hurts our pride and our image. But, what is the end goal here?

Is it my reputation or is it for our children to become mature, responsible, selfdisciplined adults?

In my youthful idealism, I believed that if I did everything right as a parent (first mistake, no one can!), then my children would be respectful, hard-working, diligent, kind adults. Guess what? Children have wills of their own and they each have their own sin nature.

The only perfect “parent” was God - He created Adam and Eve and placed them in a pristine world.

There was no peer pressure, no TV, no rock music, nothing we could blame for their failure. And, still they sinned. And then, their first son killed their second son.

Our children will fail.

The issue is how they handle that failure. Do they continue to make the same mistakes again and again or do they learn from it and make wiser choices?

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A recent visit with a long-time friend, but with whom I had not visited in many years except for the traditional holiday cards, reminded me of the fact that children make choices that are not necessarily in line with their parents’ preferences. The friend and her husband are good, moral, kind, loving people.

They were good parents and faithful in their marriage. Yet, the eldest child chose to overindulge in alcohol, leading to struggles in his young marriage. But, thankfully, he is in Alcoholics Anonymous and has been free from alcohol for almost a year. His marriage is thriving, his family is happy and he is successful.

We can not take the blame for our adult children’s choices, although it is possible that our choices led to theirs. But, that is not always the case.

Repeatedly, I’ve seen great good come from failure. People learn resolve from their own mistakes more surely than from theoretical teachings.

Although always a human tendency to blame others, it seems to be more prevalent today for people to blame their shortcomings on someone else.

“I could be a perfect wife if it weren’t for my husband.”

“I could be a perfect parent if it weren’t for my children.”

“I was abused and can’t help myself. I hit when I get angry.”

And on and on ... adults blaming someone else for their own choices. But, the lessons begin very early.

Too often parents feed such folly.

Consider this - little Tommy hits his brother and the younger boy begins crying and yelling and Mama comes running in, assesses the situation, and asks Tommy, “Why did you hit your brother?” Tommy gives a reason, maybe the younger child broke his favorite truck.

Does it matter why a brother hit another? Or, isit wrong for the child to try to solve his problems with physical hostility?

Would it be better to comfort the hurting child, punish the wrong-doer and teach him a more appropriate way to handle his anger?

Dr. Kevin Leman, in an article from First Things First, says, “Action-oriented discipline is based on the reality that there are times when you have to pull the rug out and let the little buzzards tumble. I mean disciplining your children in such a way that he/she accepts responsibility and learns accountability for his actions.”

There are many articles on “helicopter parents” - parents who hover over their adult children protecting, providing for and overseeing their lives. It is a recent phenomena that has negative consequences.

As much as it hurts, we must allow our children, at least our older children, to suffer the consequences of their choices and pray that they learn wisdom. If we’ve taught them truth and wisdom in their younger years, we must pray that they will return to that.

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Editor’s note: Annette Beard is the managing editor of The Times of Northeast Benton County, awarded as the best small weekly newspaper in Arkansas four times in the past five years.

A native of Louisiana, she moved to northwest Arkansas in 1980 to work for the Benton County Daily Record. She has nine children, four sons-in-law, four grandsons, a granddaughter and another on the way. She can be reached at abeard@ nwaonline.com.

Opinion, Pages 4 on 02/27/2013