PEA RIDGE — I would be perfectly happy to revert back to the ways of our ancestors, as in the movie “The Village” where everyone lives like it’s the 1800s and no one knows it’s really the 21st Century (sorry if I spoiled the ending). I wonder how I could pull that off - telling people of my plan is probably not a great start.
My need for this simplicity comes from my evergrowing anxiety about being in a car. I’m not sure it’s normal to be this anxious about being on the road at my age, I think I’m supposed to be carefree and think I’m invincible.
But day after day, I am convinced the world would be a safer place without automobiles.
One day last week around 7 a.m., I was driving home from my morning run. I have considered this change in lifestyle before, mostly when thinking of the way people eat thesedays and how if we grew our own food and were forced to exert ourselves physically to hunt, no one would be obese. But curing obesity is for another week’s column.
Anyway, in the first light of the day, I saw a deer on the right side of the road in front of car A in front of me. I was certain he didn’t see Bambi and I wouldn’t have enough time to alert the driver, mostly because I was in my car and he was in his. I knew speeding in front of him to use my car as a crossing guard was not the best option. To make matters worse, cars B and C were headed toward us in the other lane. I tried my best to speak to Bambitelepathically, but I’m not sure he heard me clearly, or maybe he thought I was talking about something else. So, there he went.
Car A slammed on his brakes. Cars B and C slammed on their brakes.
I heard tires screeching and my eyes were bugging out of my head and I was holding my breath. And Bambi was running, literally for his life, across the highway.
And then it was over - Bambi’s life was spared by an inch, the cars didn’t hit each other and the world was right again. Except my eyes were still bugging and I was still not breathing.
Enter anxiety attack.
Now, there are a few things I just couldn’t give up in going back - hot water heaters, running shoes, “The Biggest Loser,” Mexican food, my skis, modern medicine, Facebook, my iPod and salt and vinegar potato chips. But otherwise, I think life would be much more calm.
People wouldn’t try to prove themselves by what they drove because no one would drive. No one would be in a hurry to quickly get somewhere and back, because no one would get anywhere quickly. Drunk driving - no problem.
Parents neglecting to appropriately buckle in their kids - solved. Gas prices?
Don’t get me started. People throwing animals out car windows in random neighborhoods? Well, I’m sure they will find some other way to deserve being thrown in jail.
I’m confident everyone will find the validity in my argument and go along with my plan. My mamadoesn’t call me a dreamer for nothin’.
And if they don’t, it looks like I will have my work cut out for me covering the entire planet in bubblewrap.
Opinion, Pages 4 on 01/13/2010